Recently, my teenage son had to do something that was way too grown up. He had to get up, put on a suit and head to a local church for a funeral. It was the funeral of a friend, another teenager. It was not an easy thing for him to do or to face at such a young age.

Sadly, he has walked this path before. Several years ago, another of his friends lost his life in a four-wheeler accident. In that service, my son and his eighth-grade football teammates served as pallbearers. They all wore their football jerseys to the service and stood at the casket with so many questions running through their minds. “Why? Why him? Why now?” It was an awfully young age to struggle with such questions and to endure the sadness of never seeing that friend again—at least not here on earth.

Characteristics of the world’s best athletes are: self-control, discipline, teamwork, an ability to focus and perform under pressure, intensity, teachability, and knowing how to win with grace. So why is it that when someone has a temper tantrum, gives a cheap shot, cheats, disregards a victorious opponent, and screams at a referee—it is rationalized as being competitive?

I recently met a man in his late 30s who was bragging about being kicked off the church sports teams. He assumed we would be impressed at his machismo. He faintly conceded that he was too competitive. I disagreed with him and suggested he was not competitive enough. Rather, he was indulging in selfish ambition, disrespect, envy, and lack of self-control. He needed to grow up.

Whenever coaches are asked, “How are you?” we often reply in terms of our team: “We struggled early, but regrouped late in the season.”

Unfortunately, it’s too easy for coaches to become consumed with the team’s performance. If this occurs, our real identity can get lost in the pressure to win. Learning to separate athletic expectations from our true identity in Christ is an ongoing and significant challenge.

We entered summer league basketball with a young team. Our inexperienced guards struggled to get our offense working, especially against a high-pressure, man-to-man defense, so one day in practice I tried a new strategy. I taught my players several pressure-release, back-door plays that changed our focus and took advantage of the defense. We’d invite the pressure so we could cut and score lay-ups, but my players were skeptical.

My daughter likely receives more scrutiny playing sports than some other children do. As a parent, I tried to motivate her to be more aggressive and to play harder and use many tactics to do so. I tried having heart-to-heart conversations and even tried bribing her with a steak and shrimp dinner. I thought I had tried everything, but then I came up with another great idea. I would put her on a “Hustle Contract.”

The purpose of the Hustle Contract was to set some expectations for her effort. In my heart, I knew God was saying that He had a different, better way to do this. But I didn’t listen. I went ahead with the Hustle Contract anyway.